How do you let someone down when ending a relationship or even a dating stint?
 
I hear many complaints from people who just stop hearing from the other person, the MIA or Avoidance technique. I’ve also heard of people getting Dear John or Dear Jane letters—and these now come from the internet via email. In addition, I know of people who simply delete others from their cell phone lists or MySpace Friends as a huge clue to the other that they are no longer wanted.

These are the new ways of rejection. Voicemail rejections and email let downs are common these days and hurt just as badly as the not-returned phone call or other disappearing acts. Some people want to hear the let down in person, and others want to know are the whys and wherefores. But the ending of relationship, large and small, still hurts and causes confusion and doubt in many.

So why do relationships end? Sometimes people just grow apart, or the magic is no longer there. Maybe we still like and sometimes even still love the person, but we don’t know how to tell them that it’s over. We like them too much to hurt them, so we bumble into avoidance routines or finally say, “I want to date other people”, much to the dismay and wonderment of the jilted partner.

Sometimes, the cost of being with one person gets too high. They are too critical, or they spend too much money. Sometimes, they are violent or irresponsible, and we just can’t handle it anymore.

Constant button pushing is an easy way to drive someone away. In some cases, one person will pick a fight with their partner to end a relationship, then blame it on their partner as an excuse, and say, “See, this is why I am leaving.” This is a distancing technique, and a very unpleasant one at that.   We use distancing techniques to feel better about the partings and to make it easier--mostly on ourselves, to go.  It can be done as a demonstration of martyrdom, or it can be done in pure selfish cowardice, and everything in between.

Other distancing techniques include being constantly irascible and driving away the partner, who is greatly befuddled as to why his or her significant other is so angry all the time. In rarer cases, the unexpected end comes: the partner comes home to an empty house and a note—or, worse, no note. Or, the partner, completely unaware, goes to answer the doorbell and is served with divorce papers, to his/her shock.

When someone in the relationship says, “We need to talk,” it can mean the end, or it could just be the girlfriend wanting to spend more time with you, fellows! (Or she just wants the toilet seat put down...;))

Bottom line, when we need to end a relationship, we first begin to wonder within ourselves, “Was I crazy? What made me go out with this person?” Then we tell one other person; we confess, “I was crazy to go with that loon.” Then others begin to see the relationship is in trouble—everybody’s talking about it, and they talk about it with you: “Were you nuts, or what?!” “Man, he was nuts to go out with her.” Finally, you make up a story (called ‘grave dressing’ in the communication biz a la Stephen Duck) to tell everyone: “He was really crazy. He used to put the toilet paper on the roll the wrong way. I just couldn’t take all the annoying things he used to do.”

There ARE better ways to do it, though.  How about looking at the situation as adults? Even when you love someone, this is possible, and if the other person has loved you too, it can become a mutually rewarding miracle of love to part with someone. Wouldn’t that be a great way to end a relationship instead of a fight?

First, acknowledge that you are not right for one another. You may love the other one, and they may not love you enough or they may have another path to follow. A woman may want to follow her career as a doctor rather than have children, but that is your heart’s desire. Probably never the twain shall meet. A man may have to move to be with his parents 1500 miles away to take care of them, and you need to stay here for your kids who are graduating college or having babies.

It is indeed possible to say, “I know you have to take this path, and I know I have to take mine. I will always care for you, and I wish you well.” I have had this happen twice in my life, and in each case, we set a last day to be together and celebrated each other in the most loving and romantic ways on the last day. Then we each said our “I love you’s” and parted. In one case, it was impractical for us to ever see each other again because he went back to another country to find his first love and put his family back together. In the second case, he went off to have babies, which I was too old to have, and we still see each other once in a while to catch up and remind each other of our good wishes for one another.

Both of those experiences did bring tears, but not so many, and sorrow, but not too much, and some pain, but not for long. That’s because we both agreed that this was the right thing to do, and that we would always care for one another, and so bon voyage! Because we handled the relationship ending in this way, the so-called "negotiated farewell", we experienced the true miracle of love, which is when you let someone go off to seek their fortune and follow their path.

This is something parents do for their children every day. You can do it for partners too, in large and small ways. This is why I always recommend telling the truth about why you are leaving someone or don’t want to date anymore. The more information you give, and the more kindness you give, the better it is. However, I am not saying to lay blame. I am saying to let the person know that you have another path in life and that you know they have another path in life.

Let’s celebrate our paths and help each other get there as friends. This is what truly works—not glib “ciao, baby”’s with no explanation or unanswered answer machine messages. Give people a reason, so they can get on with their lives.

I do want to be responsible here myself and say that relationships that are inherently violent or abusive should NOT necessarily use this technique of parting. That is another area of relational dissolution that is a special case, one with which I am quite familiar. If you are in an addictive, violent, jealous, or abusive relationship, GET HELP. You may not be able to leave the relationship safely without help. For help in Houston, call the Houston Area Women’s Center or the Crisis Hotline. Domestic Violence Hotline: 713-528-2121 Sexual Assault Hotline: 713-528-7273  or the Crisis Hotline 713 970-7000 | 1-866-970-4770