How Relationships Grow 
Email Andrea at booklady@turnberryinternational.com or leave a message at 405.375.3803.

In dating, it’s a good idea to make sure you are at the same relational level as another person. Relationships can’t develop if you are picking people who are not at the same level or mode of dating. I also find that if your communication is “off”, the first date will never progress to a second one.

People move quickly in this day and age. Our “fast food culture” has essentially created “drive-by dating” as a further expression of its need to save time. I have heard many people voice the desire to “not waste time” dating someone who isn’t right for them. I myself am a “snap judgment” person when I date. Because of that, I like Eight Minute Dating and other quick date companies like Pre-Dating. But I also haven't participated in them in the past, because I realize that the only way to find a real long lasting relationship is to get to know a group of people, and then one person will eventually stand out.

As you get to know people, you develop a bond and a trust factor. Sometimes, this begins just as friends and then turns into love. However, the key is to give people a chance. The Drive-by Dating does not really give people an opportunity to fully disclose who they are. After all, I find some people are fast people and some are slow. Some are nervous in those situations, and some are not. This does not make the slow or the nervous person bad. This just isn’t their venue for disclosing themselves properly.

You may have missed “the one” by making a snap judgment. We human beings do truly have tried and true methods to connect—in any relationship. There is indeed a certain order to this. If an individual “jumps the order”, so to speak, we don’t like it. We feel uncomfortable. Sometimes, we think they are rude or downright crazy. This is why, guys, women don’t like being propositioned on the first or second date. There is a time and place for everything, and you are “jumping the order”.

Intimacy is something that is later in the lineup of developing a relationship. So, let’s be clear, to both guys and gals—if you offer or ask for sex in the first couple of dates, you are literally “out of order”. This DOES indicate that you do NOT want a relationship. Why? Because you are not taking time to let it grow. You are “jumping the gun”.

Ladies, if you have wondered why you have been dropped after giving someone sex—or guys, if you have wondered why someone is offended when you ask for sex—this is why. A date implies that you are looking for companionship and relationship.

So, what is the appropriate order of things? Mark Knapp of UT created a theory of “relational development”, and that is what I will share with you here, with a little bit of name changing.

First Glance
This is the stage where first contact is made—usually, just eye contact, a flirting comment or an open body language that lets someone know you’re available. Mark Knapp calls it Initiation.

First Contact
At this stage, we are wanting to learn more about the other person—do they have common interests, will they like me and my interests? This is a period of seeking information, initial conversations where we explore experiences and backgrounds and history. Knapp calls this Experimenting or Discovering.

First Kiss
As the relationship intensifies, physical contact happens. Often, this is the stage at which the couple decides whether they are just friends or are having a romance. There is an exchange of personal information, and each person opens up, developing a trust that there is indeed a connection. 

First Commitment
...is a time of integration. You and your partner hold yourself out to others as a couple. In everyday life, challenges occur as true selves are disclosed and each other’s habits exposed. Common interests and patterns are developed.

Knapp calls the last stage Bonding.
Here a formal public ceremony or a commitment is made in public, so that people see you and your partner as a unit.

Now, you can obviously see that if YOU are at the second stage of First Contact/Discovery and your partner wants to be at stage three, which is Physical Contact, there may be problems. How about a partner who wants to be bonded in public, the last stage, and the other is still at the growing or intensifying stage?

Some folks will jump straight from intensifying to the commitment stage, because once they have had physical contact, they think that means the two are a unit. In this day and age, that is not necessarily so. Make sure you agree with your partner at just what stage you are. This will cause less conflict within the partnership. Of course, some people get stuck at the First Kiss or Intensifying stage and never get to the First Committing, being seen as a couple by others.

Often, one partner thinks they are part of a couple, and the other doesn’t. If you are sharing things, sharing money, having sex and/or living together, you are in the First Commitment or initial partnership phase, no matter what you think. Many a guy does not want to admit that he is someone’s boy friend and will go to any lengths to swear he is not, but everything else in the relationship shows otherwise. The same is true of women who take everything offered them by a man, but refuse to commit.

I repeat, if you are taking things from someone, sharing things, and having sex, you ARE in the First Commitment phase. Your partner WILL have certain expectations of you based on those sharing behaviors. This is NOT uncalled for, but is rather a natural progression. Relationships are expected to be reciprocal, with giving and taking, and certain costs and rewards. If you are in a sharing mode with someone, and you do NOT want to be committed, STOP taking things from them, even the gifts, and stop sharing. Most of all, stop having sex. Otherwise, you are purposefully misleading someone to believe you are in relationship.

If you are the one who KNOWS you are not committed, then you are the one with upper hand who MUST have the integrity to stop, because you know more than the other does. You know you are NOT committed, and they don’t know that. I have heard people say, “but I TOLD him we are just friends.” As long as you are accepting his gifts and having sex with him, you are giving him mixed messages, and he believes he is in relationship. Because you are the one who knows how it truly stands, yours is the greater responsibility, and therefore, it is YOUR responsibility to stop the cycle. Yes, you will lose out on presents, maybe dinners, money, and sex. But if you are NOT committed, it is your responsibility NOT to lead the other individual down a path of misunderstanding and guaranteed heartbreak.

I liken this scenario to being a parent or grown up dealing with a child. The child is innocent and NOT in the know. The child does not have the experience or the capability to stop going after the candy if it is offered to him. That is why it is the adult’s responsibility to NOT offer the child the candy, if he/she knows it is wrong. In the adult/child scenario in reality, people go to jail for this behavior, and most people are incensed at the lack of control, irresponsibility, and perverse behavior of people who would take advantage of innocents. So, ask yourself if this is you. I don’t mean that you are a child molester. I mean, are you taking advantage of an innocent?

Just because someone is an adult doesn’t mean they aren’t innocent, and especially if someone is in love with you, they are in your power. You must be the one to behave responsibly in this case.

Look at your relationships or the problems you have in dating, and see how the misunderstandings have been caused by the differences in where you felt the relationship was going vs. where the other thought it was headed. Also, look at how your goals for relationship may have differed. Then, look ahead to seek someone who has the same goal and who is on the same level that you are. That should smooth your path in both dating and relationships.